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hell of ride thus far...

it's been awhile again. i think i let things slide into gently neglected states so that i can feel like i saved something when i return to it. blogs left unupdated, sketch books half-full, stories without endings or centers or beginnings depending on where i started them. and once i pick them up and dust them off, that little glimmer of promise and accomplishment carries me through for awhile. then it begins to fade, i feel restless and when it's gone, unfulfilled and useless. then i return to it and do it again. it's a benignly malevolent cycle.

but that's not my focus. let me start from the beginning...

i survived that waiting game after u/rta, with two soft offers and one program teasing me along, there was much turmoil. balm went well. my bag was stolen from the shop van during tech. tommy nearly broke me, but show went well. i moved. i finished the semester early to go to work again. opera went beautifully. i spent a month at my parents'. i moved again. and now i'm in a holding pattern, staying at my godfather's, feeling like i should be at my apartment but i can't cook since the gas isn't on and would have to cook here anyway. classes start in just over a week. i'm having an identity crisis, again. and i've discovered that no matter how hard i try, there will always be some things that i'm just not good at. like setting up a wireless network. i've been trying for three days. and i have about a 50% connect rate with one laptop and 100% fail rate with another.

it's become an obsession, i feel like this is how i'm earning my keep, though i don't have too.  i don't like failing. i can't even fail gloriously because dad already did that and two people cannot fail gloriously at the same thing in one week. it goes against the laws of the universe.

i'm annoyed with this, can you tell?


i've also realized, as i'm figuring out how to afford to go to chicago in december and stand in one of my best friend's  wedding, that a lot of my friends/acquaitences are engaged/married/having kids. a lot. this is a growing trend, exponentially growing trend. and i'm not sure why it baffles me. i mean we're all around that age where people are out of school, working full time, settling down. but damn.

maybe i'm just baffled because my social growth is stunted.

*giggles to self* maybe i'm just not meant to follow along with trends. its a proven fact that i've always been a little off of the main by a few degrees.

Off topic statement

Can one really consider the flu a pandemic when under 500 people world wide are infected?

Don't consider manevolent or blood thristy please.

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it's been awhile.
i'm not even sure where to start to try and catch up. i suppose i could start with the realization that grad school might not be right for me. or that i don't suffer stupidity very well, especially my own. or with the fact that the thought of going out into the real world is the most daunting thing i've ever faced.
i might just whine about the fact that i'm behind on my paperwork and should be writing up all of my tech and repair sheets for tommy to pass off to my crew. with my phone number bolded at the bottom just in case something dire happens.
i might take a quick nap instead of having dinner. i've been awake for about two days again. taking a full course load, teching one show and loading in another all at the same time might have been a bad idea.  being gone for a week at a conference leading up to this didn't help, but the conference was totally worth it.
and i'll make everything work. it's just a balancing act, like plate spinning.

my own voice for a change....

i feel like going to college has become a big ticket vocational training vacation for many people. and yes i did mean to string all of those words together in that particular order. my thoughts aren't as fleshed out as they probably should be for me to make this statement, but i'm going to say it anyway. i'm going to go formulate a coherent arguement now.


and so it is...

We are the middle children of history. No purpose or place. We have no great war, no great depression. Our great war is a spiritual war, our great depression is our lives. Raised by television to believe that someday we'll be millionaires and movie stars and rock stars, but we won't. And we're just learning this fact. So don't fuck with us.

~Chuck Palahnuik, Fight Club



You can become narrow minded, literally, by only liking certain things and disliking others, but you can become open-minded, literally, by giving up your likes and dislikes and becoming interested in things.

- John Cage


finding a purpose....

What do I want? What do I really want you to do? I will tell you. I want you not to believe anything you have grown up to believe. That the theater is a petty, clever, slick, cheap place. I want you to put an end to this sterile idea. I want you to realize that the life of the theater can be larger and more vital than anything you have ever known. I want you to realize that you have been misled by watching the starved, warped output of the Broadway theater, until you have taken it for granted that the theater is something less than the terrible, wonderful, flaming thing it is. I want you to know that your life in the theater can be full, can be rich, can be drunken with beauty and power; and that elation can be your daily life, your daily bread. I want you to get a sense of responsibility towards the theater. I want you to move out of the shallows into the deep current. I want you to acknowledge the fundamental mystery of the theater. I want you to learn that observation is not a substitute for insight; that ingenuity is not a substitute for imagination; that cleverness is not a substitute for culture. I want you to realize that we are beginning to see that America and Americans are not in the least like what we thought they were. And I want you to create in the theater out of this new awareness of ourselves and our country. I want you to realize how deficient we are in a sense of reality, and how we try to compensate for this deficiency in all sorts of dazzling and futile ways. I want you to learn how the reactions of an audience differ from the reactions of every audience member. I want to repeat that. I want you to learn how the reactions of an audience differ from the reactions of every individual in the audience. I want you to know that audiences have capacities for feeling that no dramatist has ever touched. I want you to learn the height of perception - the contagious excitement - out of which all great work for the theater is created. I want you to learn to see life dynamically - to see it in motion, to see it in action. I want you to learn to respond to the livingness that is on each floating instant of time. To become aware, and always more aware, of that livingness until at last you can know what Plato calls, "the madness of those possessed by the Muses." More than anything else, I want you to be true to your dreams of theater. Now at your time of life, is when you acquire them. Never go back on them. Never! Be true to your dreams. Be true to your love. Be true to your love.

Robert Edmond Jones
so....i made it through january. got my thesis show finished and open the 28th. got my portfolio together and finalized for the moment. and survived the grad school interview equivalent of speed dating the 31st.
interviews went well. i talked with 9 programs, all of which are good in their own right, and i'm really, really excited that i talked to 4 of them as they are some of the best programs in my field.
but now i'm in a holding pattern. i wrote my follow-up emails, read all of the information about each program, and now i wait. there is still one more interview weekend for potential grad students, which is this weekend, and schools can't contact the candidates they want to extend offers to until the 16th. and i'm afraid that i won't measure up anymore and no one will want me.
i'm not even coherent.
i'm going to clean my room. it will keep me occupied for at least a week. hopefully.

o m f-ing g

This surreal...this is happening...wish me luck world cause here it goes

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warning, minor rant and awful spelling

responsilbities and expectations should be clearly dileniated at the beginning of each job for everyone.
i'm sick of getting jumped all over for saying some thing and then having the wronged (yes, i was a bit past annoyed this morning and said something out of character) party come back and lecture me even though the cause of my statement was a failure on their part. like not telling their crew that their call got pushed back 8 hours and being annoyed at me for stating they should have been notified.
or just by stating that you've worked "professionaly" some where else means that you can be completely annoyed when i call you on a shop rule here. my method did need some work but the basic principle is the same.
for the record, i have apologized to the people involved. do they beleive me? i doubt it. we're all annoyed, overworked, and have piles of things that need to be completed on a time sensitive schedule. but if you take on the work, don't be suprised that your schedule has become very. very full and you have no time left to sleep, let alone have a life at the moment. for that i am sorry, i've tried to be as flexible and as sensitive to conflicts as possible but the work needs to be done and the show has to go up. yes, the january slot sucks. it always has and it always will. i'm sorry i went into "designer mode" but that is my role in this shindig right now and as such i'm allowed to expect the set to look like i designed it! i'm sorry for caring. i'm sorry for taking 2 hours of your sunday morning. be happy i didn't call you all day yesterday. i realize i'm sounding like a martyr and supreme bitch but there is only so much blame i can take and i beleive that the limit, much like my print budget, has been surpassed.
this show opens on wednesday. there is not enough time for us to fight amongst ourselves.